Farewell IUI

Ah well, pessimist or realist?  You decide, but I am defintitely not pregnant now as my bfn confirms.  My clinic thinks it may have been a chemical pregnancy or just the last traces of Ovitrelle. I'm gutted.  Really gutted, but I haven't changed my mind about going again.  That's it for me for the IUIs - I'm making a decision and I'm sticking to it.  I find I can't really face anyone right now though, I feel a bit raw.  I still work as an actor now and again and I had a professional engagement last night.  I really had to steel myself to get out there and to perform.  It was really hard.  However, like everything else in life somehow you just do what you have to do.  Women are great, aren't they?  We could rule the world and it's oh such a shame that we don't!  I digress, probably because I'm in bits. 

I will activate Plan B when I've caught my breath.  I feel ready now, it's definitely time for the big guns.  I'm going to do the tandem IVF - my own eggs and donor eggs at the same time.  Whichever embryos are the most viable are the ones transferred. May the best woman win, so to speak!  I will give more information on this soon, and on this blog, but for now I am drinking a vat of red wine, eating a ton of Twiglets and Maltesers, sobbing my heart out to Adele's 'Someone Like You' and half watching Mark Wahlberg in some dodgy action film.  Goodnight for now.

The peril of testing before you should

Well, this will be a lesson in waiting until your period is due, I suppose...I tested at 12 dpo, 2 days after after my faint positive test on 10dpo. I was, of course, expecting a darker line than 2 days ago to indicate a healthy, progressing pregnancy.  What I got instead was an even fainter line, barely visible, although it did appear within 3 minutes.  I was floored.  Your HCG is supposed to double every 36-48 hours, so this was rubbish.  Breasts were still sore, twangs and pokes still present and that weird feeling of being pregnant.  Funnily enough, face to face with a 'might as well be' negative I started to feel not pregnant.  Let's face it, if you have to hold the test up to the light to be sure, positive it ain't!  My sneezing and runny nose also developed into a fully blown cold, so nothing to do with pregnancy symptoms either. It was obvious that, either the Ovitrelle was still in my system at 10dpo and was leaving it by 12 dpo, or I had a fertilisation that just didn't implant properly, hence the fading positive.  I also got a very upset, churny tummy later that day and lasting all of the next day.  Signs of my body rejecting anything made?  Hmm.  To say I'm not driving myself mental would be a lie.  I am still having hot spells like I did with previous pregnancies, don't have the psycho, ratty behaviour normally present up to 7 days before my period and still feel a bit different to other cycles.  It's remarkable, the power of the mind.  The thing that tells me that I'm not pregnant is that weird, shaky, low blood sugar feeling that I always get just before my period, progesterone or not.  It's here and it's unmistakable.  I will test tomorrow, but I already know the result.  My last fling really, really had me fooled, but it has come to nothing.  I suppose it was just too unlikely.

Adventures with an HPT

Since I got back it's been mental.  My freelance work has gone into overdrive, I have been preparing to send off a 'dream job' application and I'm dealing with the usual horrors of the progesterone supplements.  When I got back to London on Saturday 11 February, I was really tired.  I had poking feelings and that weird kind of wiped out feeling Cyclogest gives you, but I was good at ignoring it.  Then around 5 days later, last Thursday, my boobs started to get unbearably sore and bulbous.  What a nasty word that is, bulbous!  I ignored it, but did think it was odd.  Been on progesterone for 3 cycles and not had breast pain like that before, but it is a side effect of the drug.  Around last Friday I started sneezing and got a runny nose.  A cold was seemingly on its way.  This is odd for me, I don't get colds.  I eat too much fruit and I'm not prone to them.  One every 3 or 4 years is the norm, but then it was 'bone chillingly' cold in Denmark, so I guess that's why. To stop me going nuts I took at a home pregnancy test (HPT) with First Response on Friday 17th, 8DPO.  You can get a result up to 6 days before your period is due apparently.  It was a big fat negative, but frankly not surprising that early.  Then I became a bit of a loony.  I kept looking at it hours later as there was a weird shadow.  24 hours later I pulled the test apart to look at it a close quarters and a faint pink line could be seen.  Yes, I actually did that.  That's how desperate I was.  I know, I know, you must discard tests after 10 minutes and read them within 3.  Anyhow, spurred on by the tiny, tiny possibility I waited two days more and bought another two tests.  I tested today at 10dpo and within 3 minutes there was a very faint line.  It's pink, but it is very faint.  So now I'm officially excited.  I can't help myself.  I know the Ovitrelle might still be in my system, but then I think if it was it would have been a stronger positive going into a negative, not a negative going into a positive as the days go on.   

Well, I could drive myself mental, but I will wait 2 more days and test again on Tuesday, 12dpo and on CD 23. That's 3 days before my period and I'll do it again on the proper test day, 2 days after that.  I cannot tell you how hopeful I am, but how terrified that I'm seeing things that simply aren't there because this is my last chance.  Given the annoying side effects of progesterone, the only confirmation I can have is a strong positive test once I can be sure Ovitrelle is out of my system.  I made a deal with the Universe.  I will be a good person forever and do anything if I can be pregnant.  Anything legal that is!  It seems too good to be true that my very last time it has worked, but maybe my luck has finally changed.  Till Tuesday...

My last fling

Well, I have been a little lax at blogging lately.  I'm exhausted!  I booked flights and accommodation at the Wakeup Hotel (www.wakeupcopenhagen.com) early, making sure they stretched across CD11-13.  It was so much cheaper doing it that way and it meant that I got an extra night in Copenhagen.  As it was my last time, I thought it would be nice to spend more time there.  So, the Clomid gave me vile constipation, as usual, and made me uptight, but apart from that and a few flushes it was business as usual.   I flew on CD11 and because I had to leave so early, testing for ovulation at 5.30am was not productive.  I wasn't worried though, I had two days to get a positive.  I did test again just before boarding and there it was, mister smiley face.  Bingo.  Cue me in a recess between the departure lounge and the gate on my mobile arranging an appointment at the clinic.  Much cause for interest when you're having to shout above the hubbub of noise on a foreign phone call, 'I started my period on the 29th, yes!'.

On arrival I could not quite get over the cold.  It was bone chillingly cold, and I'm a native Scot, so I'm supposed to be used to it. Dr Sven gave me an ultrasound and we discovered two large follicles about 21 and 22 mm, with a third following close behind.  Insemination was set for the next day and the nurse gave me a shot of Ovitrelle to ensure release of the eggs and prepare my lining.  Off I went to get some lunch and to do a bit of well-earned shopping.  I didn't quite manage sightseeing on account of the sub zero temperature, more a tour of every coffee shop between Stroget, the main shopping street, and my hotel.  I'd like to say I lived it up in a nice restaurant that night, but even having a little more money than usual was not enough to really enjoy Copenhagen.  I made a mental promise to myself, as I sat in Wagamama's restaurant,  that I would return one day with a friend, hopefully even a boyfriend, having brought around £150 a day.  Then I would finally be able to enjoy the true delights Copenhagen has to offer.

Next day, the cold was worse.  I had to position my scarf over my nipples to bear it!  I arrived at Copenhagen Fertility Centre expecting Dr Sven or Dr. Jan, but was greeted by a girl.  I mean she looked about 12 years old. I must be getting really old, or she's a child genius. In fact, she was a student gynaecologist, but someone needed to tell her that chewing gum whilst talking to anxious patients was not particularly reassuring.  Every gynae has to start somewhere I suppose, so I had no problem with her doing the insemination.  Until she couldn't do it without causing me pain, that is.  She tried three times to get the metal thingy up there and I was having none of it.  Dr Sven was called and did the deed, without pain, in under a minute!  I was relieved given it was my last shot. I was more anxious than usual.

Before I left, I talked about donor eggs to my nurse. She gave me the lowdown.  It would cost around 5000 Euros plus medication at 1000 Euros plus.  Ouch!.  I'd go to Denmark on CD 21 to be 'down regulated' then I'd fly to Greece a few days later.  The clinic they use has around a 65% success rate.  It would be easier, she said,  because CFC had all my charts and tests already as they'd been treating me for 6 months.  Hmm.  More expensive and more hassle than Dogus Clinic in Northern Cyprus, and if reports are to be believed 10% less of a success rate.  Food for thought.  It was time to leave Denmark though and I had to stay positive for this last round.  'Let's believe it will work', said my nurse, 'it should, it all looks good.'  Here's hoping...

Happy New Year!

To one and all a Happy New Year!  I hope this year brings all the joy you wish for.  I have been furiously saving for my final shot (no pun intended) at donor insemination in Copenhagen.  I had to let January pass because I spent far too much in December and January.  I felt a bit rebellious after living such a restricted life for the last year; very little money, no (virtually no) alcohol and very little social life.  

So, I am now preparing for the last chance of having my own biological child - no pressure then - and it looks like it will be around February 8-10.  Fortunately it's the Copenhagen Winter Jazz Festival and so I will, hopefully, be able to wind down after the deed with some cool jazz.  I'm quite sad that it will be the last time I visit regularly, for lots of reasons.  I've come to really love Copenhagen, even though it is ridiculously expensive.  I love the cleanliness and openness in comparison to London, the food, the design, the friendly Danes. The concept of 'hygge' is everywhere, right down to candles on the tables of bog standard, chain coffee shops day and night.  I could quite honestly say that I would live there in a minute.  It's been hyped even more thanks to the success of the fabulous political drama 'Borgen' which has recently hit our British TV screens. 

It's just a shame that that it's not possible to have treatment for donor eggs in Denmark.  I believe Copenhagen Fertility Center send Danish women to Greece for this treatment, but I can't imagine that it would be viable financially for me to be under the care of the clinic and then to also travel to Greece.  However, I will ask when I'm there.  It's always possible that it may not be too complicated or expensive.  Research is everything!