Many people have asked me how I really feel about using donor eggs and donor sperm together and how I think any child I create this way will feel when they find out. The truth is you cannot know, but I think that is true of any child created in any way. Children may have many reasons to resent you and many reasons to thank you for creating their life, probably both. There are no guarantees.
I do know a little bit about this. I was adopted at 3 weeks old in 1967, a time when adoption came about largely because of the shame of being pregnant out of wedlock. It's different from today's adoptions, where children are mostly taken into care because of a variety of problems in the birth family and the children have already suffered a geat deal. I found out I was adopted when I was around 14 years old. Possibly a little late, but I can understand why my Mother was scared and anxious about telling me and didn't know when it was best. In those days there was little or no advice on such things and post adoption support for the adopter was poor. So, my take on it is this; I was so tiny that I remember only my Mother and my Father and the life I had with them. Although curious about my birth parents later, I never felt an urge to track them down. I suppose I wanted some details and I know my birth Mother's name, where she lived at the time, her job and my birth name. I feel no blame or angst for this poor woman who gave me up, none at all. What is different in using donor eggs and donor sperm is that you give the embryo life and you have the baby from birth, the bond is there straight away. I know how much my parents wanted me and it is a wonderful feeling knowing what lengths they went to to adopt me. I suppose I feel that, given the right way of explaining it when the time comes, a child created by donor sperm and donor egg may feel the same way. Children just want to be loved, to be cared for and to be secure and safe. That's what counts.
I know that I thought long and hard about how I'd feel about a baby that shared none of my genes. I wanted my own biological child precisely because I was adopted and I wanted to see what it would look like, be like and if it's mannerisms and behaviour reflected mine. This became particularly poignant when I lost my baby, created with my then boyfriend, late in the second trimester in November 2009. However, I have come full circle. I reflect back on how people say my sister, Mother and I are so alike and yet, I do not share their genes. It's the old nature/nurture argument and I'm living proof that nurture is key.
I will try once more to create a baby with my own eggs, but the idea of a donor embryo is no longer something that I worry about. I think of children I know, my little niece, my God daughter, my friend's children and if anything happened to any of the parents I would give that child a home and love it unquestionably. I cannot imagine that a tiny little person would inspire anything other than absolute love in me, regardless of its origins.
I know that in my forties, I may also face the prospect of twins if I'm lucky enough to be successful with donor embryos. This used to worry me, but now I would say it doesn't. Financially it will be a nightmare and physcially you're going to need help, but think of the advantages after the baby stage. Two children right away, a playmate and sibling for each other and a bond that will last well after you're gone.
I do know some people who think it a disgusting, selfish thing to do. And you will face that. However, you have to square this with yourself. To those 'haters' I say, does anyone ask you if your wish to have a child is disgusting or selfish, even though your relationship may be poor or your circumstances less than perfect? Does anyone question your motives for your desire to have a child? I doubt it. The same type of scrutiny just does not apply when a partnered man and a woman have a baby in the so called 'natural way'. But I work in a job where I see what goes wrong in parenting and families and, so far, it has never been because a single woman created a baby with a donor egg and donor sperm.
I hope you forgive this tangent, but I know I'm not alone in wondering if donor embryos are a bridge too far. I now know what I feel about it, but it took a while to let go of the dream of a biological child and not everyone can.
Copenhagen January 2011
A cold November in Copenhagen...
Showing posts with label donor sperm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label donor sperm. Show all posts
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
In preparation for the penultimate round
So, I've been a bit absent in the month off between the last round and the one coming. (It takes two pay checks to do one insemination, so there's always a month off.) I say a month 'off', but it hasn't been a party, that's for sure. A sick and elderly father in hospital and a Hobson's choice to either wait for the chop or take voluntary redundancy now. Hmm. Never a dull moment. Still, mustn't lose focus. In the lead up to the penultimate round of my year long devotion to trying to get pregnant alone, I have finally given some thought to donor eggs. Thought is as far as it will probably ever get. For the sum of £5000, plus some extra cost for drugs, I can have a donor embryo package in Cyprus that includes donor eggs, IVF, accommodation while you're there, donor semen and drugs for the donor female. I had a very informative email response to my enquiries from Dogus IVF Centre, Northern Cyprus (www.dogusivfcentre.com) They match a female donor to your look and use the Danish sperm banks. I have never really been sure how I feel about this, but with a success rate of 77% it is not to be dismissed. Compare that with my current odds of 1-12% with donor insemination and my own eggs and it appears to be a no brainer. There is just one problem...where to lay my hands on £5000 + quickly. Not going to happen!
Therein lies the dilemma. If I take voluntary redundancy I may get that sum, but, of course, I wouldn't have a job. A job that's very flexible and a 15 minute commute with good maternity pay. On the other hand I may be out of that job in a few months anyhow. What, I ask, would you do, given the circumstances. Answers on a postcard please...
Putting all this to one side in preparation for this round, I am getting aggressive and taking 100mg of Clomid per day instead of 50mg. Dr Svend agrees. God knows what this will achieve, but hopefully more than two big follicles, or just two extremely mature follicles. I am a bit short financially this month, due to visiting said sick father (he lives far away), so I'm not having a follicular scan in the UK first this time. Going to rely on the old pee sticks alone, testing from Day 7, just in case. Trying not to get my hopes up, but inevitably there is always hope before the insemination. So, all being well, in about 7 days time I'll fly out for the last but one shot of Denmark's finest.
Finally, I received a questionnaire from Storkklinik asking me to complete it for their statistics and records when my baby is born in December. Of course, I would have been 8 months pregnant now had my successful IUI in March continued past 6 weeks. It was a little upsetting, but I suppose it just reminded me that I got pregnant on the third attempt so it's still possible now, isn't it?
Therein lies the dilemma. If I take voluntary redundancy I may get that sum, but, of course, I wouldn't have a job. A job that's very flexible and a 15 minute commute with good maternity pay. On the other hand I may be out of that job in a few months anyhow. What, I ask, would you do, given the circumstances. Answers on a postcard please...
Putting all this to one side in preparation for this round, I am getting aggressive and taking 100mg of Clomid per day instead of 50mg. Dr Svend agrees. God knows what this will achieve, but hopefully more than two big follicles, or just two extremely mature follicles. I am a bit short financially this month, due to visiting said sick father (he lives far away), so I'm not having a follicular scan in the UK first this time. Going to rely on the old pee sticks alone, testing from Day 7, just in case. Trying not to get my hopes up, but inevitably there is always hope before the insemination. So, all being well, in about 7 days time I'll fly out for the last but one shot of Denmark's finest.
Finally, I received a questionnaire from Storkklinik asking me to complete it for their statistics and records when my baby is born in December. Of course, I would have been 8 months pregnant now had my successful IUI in March continued past 6 weeks. It was a little upsetting, but I suppose it just reminded me that I got pregnant on the third attempt so it's still possible now, isn't it?
Thursday, 7 July 2011
And now for the science bit
It has been some time since my last blog. All quiet on the western front while I waited for cycle number 2 post miscarriage. I reasoned 26-28 days, but no...32 days. So I would hazard a guess to say that ovulation will commence later again, say Day 12. Financially it would be fantastic if it were Day 13 so I'm not flying at the weekend and paying exorbitant prices. I will say this, if you're living in the UK and about to do the Denmark Dash, start in the winter months - it's so much cheaper. In the meantime, yet more tests and some strange news.
My GP was not satisfied with everything after I continued to complain of fatigue and being wiped out. So liver, kidney, thyroid were all rechecked and all normal, thankfully. FSH down to 6.2 and Estrogen normal, which has got to be good too. Now, I have little knowledge of Androgen, but apparently there was a bit of a 'concern' in that department. The fertility specialist at the GP practice, Dr. M, tried to explain that my level was a little low and this could be a problem sometimes. I don't appear to be producing enough of the stuff that attracts testosterone to it and stops you from having too much. However, as my actual testosterone level is low too, there is nothing to worry about. So not a man then. My chin may be doubling, but no beard it seems. I am not yet hirsute. Thank. God. The spreading middle is quite enough.
Nothing else to report really. Just hanging on in there and hoping for the best. Slightly apprehensive as to whether I will be able to afford this round and PMS symptoms becoming truly unbearable, but as I have no thyroid problem, no iron deficiency or any other ailment, I have accepted that this is just peri-menopause in all its glory. Fabulous.
On the up side I will share with you three stories of women past 40 who have been successful. We all need a bit of a boost sometimes, I say. So... a woman of 46 who conceived naturally with her partner and had a healthy boy. That's success story number one. Number two, a 44 year old woman successful after donor insemination and a bout of Clomid, now 5 months pregnant. And number three, a 43 year old just pregnant with donor sperm and no fertility drugs. Keep the faith and a full dose of folic acid.
Next post will be sooner rather than later. I expect to fly between the 15 -18 July for, what will be Round 4 and over half way to my allotted 6 goes. It's a lottery, but a damn sight more expensive!
My GP was not satisfied with everything after I continued to complain of fatigue and being wiped out. So liver, kidney, thyroid were all rechecked and all normal, thankfully. FSH down to 6.2 and Estrogen normal, which has got to be good too. Now, I have little knowledge of Androgen, but apparently there was a bit of a 'concern' in that department. The fertility specialist at the GP practice, Dr. M, tried to explain that my level was a little low and this could be a problem sometimes. I don't appear to be producing enough of the stuff that attracts testosterone to it and stops you from having too much. However, as my actual testosterone level is low too, there is nothing to worry about. So not a man then. My chin may be doubling, but no beard it seems. I am not yet hirsute. Thank. God. The spreading middle is quite enough.
Nothing else to report really. Just hanging on in there and hoping for the best. Slightly apprehensive as to whether I will be able to afford this round and PMS symptoms becoming truly unbearable, but as I have no thyroid problem, no iron deficiency or any other ailment, I have accepted that this is just peri-menopause in all its glory. Fabulous.
On the up side I will share with you three stories of women past 40 who have been successful. We all need a bit of a boost sometimes, I say. So... a woman of 46 who conceived naturally with her partner and had a healthy boy. That's success story number one. Number two, a 44 year old woman successful after donor insemination and a bout of Clomid, now 5 months pregnant. And number three, a 43 year old just pregnant with donor sperm and no fertility drugs. Keep the faith and a full dose of folic acid.
Next post will be sooner rather than later. I expect to fly between the 15 -18 July for, what will be Round 4 and over half way to my allotted 6 goes. It's a lottery, but a damn sight more expensive!
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
Playing the waiting game
It's been four weeks since I had the miscarriage. As of last Thursday I am still showing a positive pregnancy test, so no chance of getting my period or ovulating anytime soon. I'm reminded that HCG levels have to go right back to zero, that's negative on a pregnancy test, before your body kick starts your cycle again. Apparently it can be anything from 3-6 weeks for the cycle to begin after a negative test. Great. All thoughts of an insemination in June are out then. Hmmm. And again, hmmm. Not that I'm panicking or anything. I just assumed my body would play the game immediately - it usually behaves, apart from the miscarriage of course. Never thought I'd see the day I would be begging my body to have a period.
So, while I wait I will go back to the donor. That wonderful Danish man who 'got' me pregnant. At Stork Klinik you are able to get some very basic details about your donor after you get pregnant if you sign a release form to say you've thought it all through. There is an argument for knowing nothing, I mean let's face it what good can a few details do you when you've selected an anonymous donor? But I wanted to know. I suppose I just felt that it would give me something to tell my child about his/her Danish heritage. I had only specified height must be over 6ft when I made my donor request originally, leaving everything else to chance. Don't ask me why height was important. I signed the release form and the information I received back by post was his blood type, height, eye colour, hair colour, weight, physical features and occupation. It was fascinating. Really. Me being me however, I did something I actually feel strangely guilty about, as if I've defrauded the clinic. I knew that Stork only use two sperm banks and both are detailed on their website. I went on the websites of both sperm banks and did a donor search, inputting my donor's blood type, physical details, occupation etc. I got a direct hit on one site for the donor, still registered as anonymous rather than open. Exact centimetres, exact blood type (and this was unusual), exact occupation, exact weight etc. I know it was a bit of a long shot, but it seemed impossible that it could be any other donor given the exact combination of details. The sperm bank said his sperm was sold out at that point, as it probably would be given that the clinic had purchased it recently. So I took a slight gamble and assumed this hit was my donor. I was able to find out a little bit more about him even though he remained anonymous on the sperm bank. The bank offered you a chance to buy a little more information in the form of an audio interview with the donor, let's call him A, an extended profile and a family history. I purchased both for about 25 Euros each. Two minutes later they were in my email inbox and downloaded. I was enthralled as I listened and read - all in English. Bizarrely, A's favourite films were my favourites, his personality sounded lovely, his voice was warm and friendly and his intelligence was obvious. Even better his family medical history revealed nothing worse than a bit of depression in the mix of relatives and my own family is no stranger to that. Yes, I was very happy with what I had discovered and needed no more information. I just wanted to know that my baby's donor was human really, if you know what I mean, rather than a shot of sperm in a catheter.
Not exactly crime of the century, but I did feel a bit of a cheat. But then, I did it anyway. I feel a little sad that the lovely A will undoubtedly not be my donor next time. I had to let Copenhagen Fertility Centre know my donor preferences for the future and I again selected height as being over 6 ft and added hair colour as either brown or blonde and any colour eyes. It made me think, was I selecting a man that might resemble my ex partner? Interesting. Yes, if height is anything to go by! However, when I got pregnant I didn't really care about any of the donor's details to start with, I was just so glad to be pregnant. If they had made an error and he had ended up being 5ft 4', I wouldn't have cared. Dr. J at Copenhagen Fertility Centre, told me 'you might as well specify height, eye colour and hair colour because otherwise I have to pick them and it speeds things up if you select.' Maybe if he hadn't said this I would have left it all up to fate this time. Or maybe I would have selected motility and youth if it had been possible! Given that most donors are under 28, however, that would probably be a bit daft. Oh yes, the next time a man over 40 gives you grief about being a woman over 40 trying to conceive, just remind him that a man's motility dive bombs in his thirties. As one male doctor once said to me, ' actually, the biggest cause of infertility in woman is often their men.'
I have no idea as I write this when I will next be able to have an insemination and I'm hoping that's a WHEN and not an IF, but I do know that when I am able to I absolutely will. Three more. For now. Before I hit 44 and throw myself off a tall building.
So, while I wait I will go back to the donor. That wonderful Danish man who 'got' me pregnant. At Stork Klinik you are able to get some very basic details about your donor after you get pregnant if you sign a release form to say you've thought it all through. There is an argument for knowing nothing, I mean let's face it what good can a few details do you when you've selected an anonymous donor? But I wanted to know. I suppose I just felt that it would give me something to tell my child about his/her Danish heritage. I had only specified height must be over 6ft when I made my donor request originally, leaving everything else to chance. Don't ask me why height was important. I signed the release form and the information I received back by post was his blood type, height, eye colour, hair colour, weight, physical features and occupation. It was fascinating. Really. Me being me however, I did something I actually feel strangely guilty about, as if I've defrauded the clinic. I knew that Stork only use two sperm banks and both are detailed on their website. I went on the websites of both sperm banks and did a donor search, inputting my donor's blood type, physical details, occupation etc. I got a direct hit on one site for the donor, still registered as anonymous rather than open. Exact centimetres, exact blood type (and this was unusual), exact occupation, exact weight etc. I know it was a bit of a long shot, but it seemed impossible that it could be any other donor given the exact combination of details. The sperm bank said his sperm was sold out at that point, as it probably would be given that the clinic had purchased it recently. So I took a slight gamble and assumed this hit was my donor. I was able to find out a little bit more about him even though he remained anonymous on the sperm bank. The bank offered you a chance to buy a little more information in the form of an audio interview with the donor, let's call him A, an extended profile and a family history. I purchased both for about 25 Euros each. Two minutes later they were in my email inbox and downloaded. I was enthralled as I listened and read - all in English. Bizarrely, A's favourite films were my favourites, his personality sounded lovely, his voice was warm and friendly and his intelligence was obvious. Even better his family medical history revealed nothing worse than a bit of depression in the mix of relatives and my own family is no stranger to that. Yes, I was very happy with what I had discovered and needed no more information. I just wanted to know that my baby's donor was human really, if you know what I mean, rather than a shot of sperm in a catheter.
Not exactly crime of the century, but I did feel a bit of a cheat. But then, I did it anyway. I feel a little sad that the lovely A will undoubtedly not be my donor next time. I had to let Copenhagen Fertility Centre know my donor preferences for the future and I again selected height as being over 6 ft and added hair colour as either brown or blonde and any colour eyes. It made me think, was I selecting a man that might resemble my ex partner? Interesting. Yes, if height is anything to go by! However, when I got pregnant I didn't really care about any of the donor's details to start with, I was just so glad to be pregnant. If they had made an error and he had ended up being 5ft 4', I wouldn't have cared. Dr. J at Copenhagen Fertility Centre, told me 'you might as well specify height, eye colour and hair colour because otherwise I have to pick them and it speeds things up if you select.' Maybe if he hadn't said this I would have left it all up to fate this time. Or maybe I would have selected motility and youth if it had been possible! Given that most donors are under 28, however, that would probably be a bit daft. Oh yes, the next time a man over 40 gives you grief about being a woman over 40 trying to conceive, just remind him that a man's motility dive bombs in his thirties. As one male doctor once said to me, ' actually, the biggest cause of infertility in woman is often their men.'
I have no idea as I write this when I will next be able to have an insemination and I'm hoping that's a WHEN and not an IF, but I do know that when I am able to I absolutely will. Three more. For now. Before I hit 44 and throw myself off a tall building.
Sunday, 27 March 2011
Relief, Round 3 and a Danish Pastry...
Perhaps there is a little bit of luck left in my world after all. Results of the biopsy revealed a non-malignant mass, thought by the consultant to be scar tissue, probably left over from a nasty accident several years ago. Thinking back, I remember being hauled out of a van that had overturned several times after skidding on ice and snow. I was touring as an actor at the time. I also remember having my chest smacked against the dashboard at a fair old pace. So a mass it is, malignant it is not. I should feel an overwhelming sense of relief, but actually I'm just exhausted. Really exhausted.
And so I proceed to Round 3. I have my flights to Copenhagen booked and I'm staying overnight, covering day 10 and 11 of my cycle, when I always ovulate. If for some reason I don't ovulate at the usual time I can stay another night by changing flights, so no stress there. I'm even going to try and do a few more touristy things this time to lighten the load. Don't think I could have coped with another cross- European flight circuit in under 24 hours, especially after the hell of this month. Since I won my reprieve from the Breast Cancer Demon, I have thought more about this whole business of IUIs. I have been researching on the net (again) and trawled through countless fertility forums (again). I'm not sure I will do three more of these IUIs if this one fails. It seems silly to not consider other options. So, I've arranged an appointment at the Copenhagen Fertility Centre on the 31st to check out medicated IUI and IVF options. Stork Klinik are great, but they don't have the facility to sort out a medicated cycle for you. I have no idea how to manage a medicated cycle between the UK and Denmark. After all, I can't afford clinics here, so not sure how it works. You have to be scanned to check the follicles after taking the medication and I assume that will be around £150 at a private clinic here on top of the medication costs, donor sperm in Copenhagen and flights. I'm still not sure how I feel about medicated IUI. Most professionals seem to think it's a total waste of time giving IUI to a woman my age, never mind unmedicated IUI, but I keep thinking back to how I became pregnant immediately - and I mean after just one unprotected session with my partner at the time - at 41. I'm ovulating regularly so I suppose the only advantage to medication is to give me more eggs. I'm beginning to think I'd rather just try IVF, perhaps even natural or 'soft' IVF. It will mean a gap of 6 months while I scrape the finance together, so it's either 3 medicated cycles of IUI or 1 IVF cycle, both abroad. I have had quotes from a clinic in Northern Cyprus and from a clinic called Reprofit in the Czech Republic. Lots of single women in the UK appear to have used them, with some success. I'm not sure I'm mad about the name though; maybe it's a translation issue! To be honest, I never thought I'd consider IVF, but I'm getting very close to giving up. Living on next to nothing trying to afford this treatment and the complete stress of doing it with nobody really to support me, or even to talk to about it, is getting too hard. I guess what I'm saying is, it is decision time after this round. Can I stand 6 more months of being so unbelievably skint I can't buy anything but the essentials, just for one pop at IVF? Hmm. The jury is most definitely out on that one.
For now though, I'm dragging my butt to Copenhagen for Round 3 with practically no enthusiasm and absolutely no faith in the outcome. Well, perhaps just enough to get me there. Might as well enjoy the Danish pastries while I'm at it. I spend 6 sessions a week in the gym at seriously physical classes so I think I bloody well deserve a calorie laden, almond flavoured, sugary carb hit.
And so I proceed to Round 3. I have my flights to Copenhagen booked and I'm staying overnight, covering day 10 and 11 of my cycle, when I always ovulate. If for some reason I don't ovulate at the usual time I can stay another night by changing flights, so no stress there. I'm even going to try and do a few more touristy things this time to lighten the load. Don't think I could have coped with another cross- European flight circuit in under 24 hours, especially after the hell of this month. Since I won my reprieve from the Breast Cancer Demon, I have thought more about this whole business of IUIs. I have been researching on the net (again) and trawled through countless fertility forums (again). I'm not sure I will do three more of these IUIs if this one fails. It seems silly to not consider other options. So, I've arranged an appointment at the Copenhagen Fertility Centre on the 31st to check out medicated IUI and IVF options. Stork Klinik are great, but they don't have the facility to sort out a medicated cycle for you. I have no idea how to manage a medicated cycle between the UK and Denmark. After all, I can't afford clinics here, so not sure how it works. You have to be scanned to check the follicles after taking the medication and I assume that will be around £150 at a private clinic here on top of the medication costs, donor sperm in Copenhagen and flights. I'm still not sure how I feel about medicated IUI. Most professionals seem to think it's a total waste of time giving IUI to a woman my age, never mind unmedicated IUI, but I keep thinking back to how I became pregnant immediately - and I mean after just one unprotected session with my partner at the time - at 41. I'm ovulating regularly so I suppose the only advantage to medication is to give me more eggs. I'm beginning to think I'd rather just try IVF, perhaps even natural or 'soft' IVF. It will mean a gap of 6 months while I scrape the finance together, so it's either 3 medicated cycles of IUI or 1 IVF cycle, both abroad. I have had quotes from a clinic in Northern Cyprus and from a clinic called Reprofit in the Czech Republic. Lots of single women in the UK appear to have used them, with some success. I'm not sure I'm mad about the name though; maybe it's a translation issue! To be honest, I never thought I'd consider IVF, but I'm getting very close to giving up. Living on next to nothing trying to afford this treatment and the complete stress of doing it with nobody really to support me, or even to talk to about it, is getting too hard. I guess what I'm saying is, it is decision time after this round. Can I stand 6 more months of being so unbelievably skint I can't buy anything but the essentials, just for one pop at IVF? Hmm. The jury is most definitely out on that one.
For now though, I'm dragging my butt to Copenhagen for Round 3 with practically no enthusiasm and absolutely no faith in the outcome. Well, perhaps just enough to get me there. Might as well enjoy the Danish pastries while I'm at it. I spend 6 sessions a week in the gym at seriously physical classes so I think I bloody well deserve a calorie laden, almond flavoured, sugary carb hit.
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