Playing the waiting game

It's been four weeks since I had the miscarriage.  As of last Thursday I am still showing a positive pregnancy test, so no chance of getting my period or ovulating anytime soon.  I'm reminded that HCG levels have to go right back to zero, that's negative on a pregnancy test, before your body kick starts your cycle again.  Apparently it can be anything from 3-6 weeks for the cycle to begin after a negative test.  Great.  All thoughts of an insemination in June are out then.  Hmmm. And again, hmmm.  Not that I'm panicking or anything.  I just assumed my body would play the game immediately - it usually behaves, apart from the miscarriage of course.  Never thought I'd see the day I would be begging my body to have a period.

So, while I wait I will go back to the donor.  That wonderful Danish man who 'got' me pregnant.  At Stork Klinik you are able to get some very basic details about your donor after you get pregnant if you sign a release form to say you've thought it all through.  There is an argument for knowing nothing, I mean let's face it what good can a few details do you when you've selected an anonymous donor?   But I wanted to know.  I suppose I just felt that it would give me something to tell my child about his/her Danish heritage. I had only specified height must be over 6ft when I made my donor request originally, leaving everything else to chance.  Don't ask me why height was important.  I signed the release form and the information I received back by post was his blood type, height, eye colour, hair colour, weight, physical features and occupation.  It was fascinating.  Really.  Me being me however, I did something I actually feel strangely guilty about, as if I've defrauded the clinic. I knew that Stork only use two sperm banks and both are detailed on their website.  I went on the websites of both sperm banks and did a donor search, inputting my donor's blood type, physical details, occupation etc.  I got a direct hit on one site for the donor, still registered as anonymous rather than open. Exact centimetres, exact blood type (and this was unusual), exact occupation, exact weight etc. I know it was a bit of a long shot, but it seemed impossible that it could be any other donor given the exact combination of details.  The sperm bank said his sperm was sold out at that point, as it probably would be given that the clinic had purchased it recently.  So I took a slight gamble and assumed this hit was my donor. I was able to find out a little bit more about him even though he remained anonymous on the sperm bank.  The bank offered you a chance to buy a little more information in the form of an audio interview with the donor, let's call him A, an extended profile and a family history.  I purchased both for about 25 Euros each.  Two minutes later they were in my email inbox and downloaded.  I was enthralled as I listened and read - all in English.  Bizarrely, A's favourite films were my favourites, his personality sounded lovely, his voice was warm and friendly and his intelligence was obvious.  Even better his family medical history revealed nothing worse than a bit of depression in the mix of relatives and my own family is no stranger to that. Yes, I was very happy with what I had discovered and needed no more information. I just wanted to know that my baby's donor was human really, if you know what I mean, rather than a shot of sperm in a catheter.

Not exactly crime of the century, but I did feel a bit of a cheat. But then, I did it anyway.  I feel a little sad that the lovely A will undoubtedly not be my donor next time.  I had to let Copenhagen Fertility Centre know my donor preferences for the future and I again selected height as being over 6 ft and added hair colour as either brown or blonde and any colour eyes.  It made me think, was I selecting a man that might resemble my ex partner?  Interesting.  Yes, if height is anything to go by!  However, when I got pregnant I didn't really care about any of the donor's details to start with, I was just so glad to be pregnant.  If they had made an error and he had ended up being 5ft 4', I wouldn't have cared.  Dr. J at Copenhagen Fertility Centre, told me 'you might as well specify height, eye colour and hair colour because otherwise I have to pick them and it speeds things up if you select.'    Maybe if he hadn't said this I would have left it all up to fate this time.  Or maybe I would have selected motility and youth if it had been possible!  Given that most donors are under 28, however, that would probably be a bit daft.  Oh yes,  the next time a man over 40 gives you grief about being a woman over 40 trying to conceive, just remind him that a man's motility dive bombs in his thirties.  As one male doctor once said to me, ' actually, the biggest cause of infertility in woman is often their men.'

I have no idea as I write this when I will next be able to have an insemination and I'm hoping that's a WHEN and not an IF, but I do know that when I am able to I absolutely will.  Three more.  For now.  Before I hit 44 and throw myself off a tall building.