Aftermath

Well, it's been 11 days since it all went horribly wrong.  I've had my visit to the Emergency Gynaecology Unit to check what's happened has been 'complete'.  When I arrived the nurse in Reception asked, 'Have you had any bleeding since your last visit?' I looked a little dumbstruck. Of course she wasn't to know that I'd already lost the baby, but it felt absolutely final replying 'Yes, I've had a full bleed, a full miscarriage.  I'm only here to check it's all come out.'  She looked unperturbed, used to dealing with countless women like me, but to give her her due she offered her condolences as she sent me off for a pee sample.  Suddenly inside the loo, grappling with the cap of the sample bottle, I cried.  Don't know where it came from, but I suppose it was just saying it out loud to somebody medical that made it final.

So, one scan later and I'm informed that everything is out.  No D&C necessary, thank God.  After last time (3 and 1/2 hours in surgery and a blood transfusion - they couldn't get around my multiple, large fibroids) I don't think I could have stood that again.  The nurse then explained that I was still showing a positive pregnancy test and would have to wait until it had turned negative before I could count down to my next period and ovulation.  She reckoned this would probably be in the first week of June, given my short cycle of 24 days, if I show a negative test by this week.  I have pregnancy tests to check this.    How ironic that this time I will be willing them to be negative.

I have almost, but not quite, made up my mind to try again straight away, but have this nagging feeling that my body's eggs may just be too past it and the Spanish clinics are right (see my very first post).  However, I've arranged with the new clinic, Copenhagen Fertility Centre, to have the next insemination unmedicated.  Partly because I will have no idea when I ovulate this time and may not get a proper period to aid me in counting the cycle days, so trying to match it all up with taking Clomid days 2-5 of the cycle would be a total nightmare.  And partly because I'm chicken shit and want it to work without drugs!

I asked the nurse at the EGU how everything 'looked'. The nurse who scanned me said my endometrium was a healthy 8 mm just after the miscarriage, so this issue of a thin endometrium seems to be an issue no longer.  In fact it was a good 26 mm when I was scanned before I miscarried, so all the signs say that I was worrying needlessly over this.  The scanner told me there was no hint of an issue. I'll take this opportunity to mention that the lady who scanned me back in October 2010 told my GP that I would be wasting my money because my endometrium was too thin.  Not so love, but thanks for making me worry for 6 months anyhow.  The other good news was that my ovaries still have their follicles and my left ovary appears dominant with a very big follicle to boot.  No idea what this means really, but probably explains the concentration of twinges, pokes, stabs and dull aches on that side when ovulating and when I got pregnant.  Everything, it seems, is looking good, its just down to my eggs and the pot luck of sperm meeting egg during the one shot I get each month.

So there we are.  Some of you tackling donor insemination after 40 might like to take a look at http://flowerpowermom.com/a-child-after-40-online/  It's a new site and she's looking for moderators.  Her story was certainly helpful to me, giving renewed hope after this set back, so take a look if you're flagging.

I faithfully promise to devote the next post to the issue of the donor and the slightly sneaky way I got more info than the clinic offered.  Investigative skills can be useful.  In the mean time, I'm suffering the irritation of being checked out for anaemia and, scarily, insulin deficiency.  I am quite shaky, excessively tired and feel a bit odd.  I hope it's just a reaction to being pregnant and then not being pregnant because I really don't want to see the inside of any more medical facilities unless it's to be inseminated. Once I feel a bit healthier, I will be back to the exercise classes and I'm aiming to drop a few pounds.  There's a whisper of a double chin creeping in and it's going to go if it kills me.

The Fat Lady Sings

Sadly, last night I miscarried and it was the loneliest night I think I have ever spent.  On Tuesday, Week 6 exactly, I felt odd and shivery.  I also felt like I was getting my period and had cramps that just weren't like the ones I'd been having as my uterus was making ready for the baby.  My breasts were still sore, but not getting any more so and definitely not as bulbous, if you'll forgive the use of that word, as they were a few days ago.  I was exceptionally tired, but not quite in the same 'by 4pm wiped out' way as I was a few days past.  I felt shaky, low in blood sugar and ratty and most telling of all I was spotting.  Then came the low, tense and tight cramps, right above the pubis.  I recognised them as similar pains to those I have experienced when having a particularly bad or painful period.

I had spotted before in pregnancy, around the same time at 6 weeks, and it had come to nothing, so I would not have been overly worried had I not had other symptoms.  To be honest though, symptoms aside, I just knew something had changed a few days ago.  I just didn't feel pregnant.  So a visit to the Emergency Gynaecology Unit was in order. A scan revealed a gestational sac in the correct place, so not an ectopic pregnancy.  However, the sac was only 4.7mm and not the size it should be for my pregnancy at 6 weeks. It seemed to spell out only one thing - baby had stopped growing at 4-5 weeks.  The next step was to take a blood test to check progesterone levels.  If the levels are under 10 the pregnancy is failing, if between 10-50 it's a grey area and above 50 is ok, with 80+ being good.  I missed the call from the hospital giving me the results, but by 8pm I had started bleeding properly and the pain was conclusive.  There was no question of it, baby was no more and my body was rejecting it.

I cried from the deepest part of me and wished, sadly, for my last partner to be there just to give me a hug.  I'm sure this was only because he was there last time and I needed that intimacy from somebody.  However, I am on my own now and there is nobody there at times like these, so I made do with a few texts to friends who knew I was pregnant and had supported me and just let myself cry out.  In the end I fell asleep.

This morning I am still upset and in pain, but have talked to the hospital and arranged for a scan, blood test and HCG test next week to ensure full 'evacuation'.  The blood results showed a progesterone level of only 7, so I was correct in my assumption that baby had stopped growing at 4-5 weeks.  Once a negative pregnancy test has been seen I can ovulate at any time and it's possible to try again.  Yes, yes, I know I said I wouldn't do that, but it's funny how your decisions can be called into question so very quickly.  I move fast and even though my miscarriage isn't even over today, I need action to help me get over things and have already contacted the new clinic.  I've asked if  I can have my first insemination with them unmedicated, reasoning that just after pregnancy you are a little more fertile.  Plus, I don't want to hammer my body with meds after all this. 

I may not do it, but I need options.  Choice and options keep the 43 year old single girl, and I use the term loosely, sane and moving forward.  At least I did get pregnant, and on the third attempt.  If I had lost the baby later I really don't think I would have considered trying again, but it has been early enough for me to consider it.

So I am sad today and feel quite sorry for myself on the one hand, whilst on the other I am looking forward to the options I have created for myself.  The Fat Lady has sung this month, but she hasn't yet sung at all my venues.  For any of you going through this, my thoughts are with you and take heart that miscarriages happen to women of all ages and are very common.  They are more common as we age, but are not specific to age.

I will talk about the donor, as I said I would in my last post, but I think it's a topic for a few days after this is over. It may be a bridge too far for me today.