The donor egg dilemma

Many people have asked me how I really feel about using donor eggs and donor sperm together and how I think any child I create this way will feel when they find out.  The truth is you cannot know, but I think that is true of any child created in any way.  Children may have many reasons to resent you and many reasons to thank you for creating their life, probably both. There are no guarantees. 

I do know a little bit about this.  I was adopted at 3 weeks old in 1967, a time when adoption came about largely because of the shame of being pregnant out of wedlock.  It's different from today's adoptions, where children are mostly taken into care because of a variety of problems in the birth family and the children have already suffered a geat deal.  I found out I was adopted when I was around 14 years old.  Possibly a little late, but I can understand why my Mother was scared and anxious about telling me and didn't know when it was best.  In those days there was little or no advice on such things and post adoption support for the adopter was poor.  So, my take on it is this; I was so tiny that I remember only my Mother and my Father and the life I had with them.  Although curious about my birth parents later, I never felt an urge to track them down.  I suppose I wanted some details and I know my birth Mother's name, where she lived at the time, her job and my birth name.  I feel no blame or angst for this poor woman who gave me up, none at all.  What is different in using donor eggs and donor sperm is that you give the embryo life and you have the baby from birth, the bond is there straight away. I know how much my parents wanted me and it is a wonderful feeling knowing what lengths they went to to adopt me.  I suppose I feel that, given the right way of explaining it when the time comes, a child created by donor sperm and donor egg may feel the same way. Children just want to be loved, to be cared for and to be secure and safe.  That's what counts. 

I know that I thought long and hard about how I'd feel about a baby that shared none of my genes.  I wanted my own biological child precisely because I was adopted and I wanted to see what it would look like, be like and if it's mannerisms and behaviour reflected mine.  This became particularly poignant when I lost my baby, created with my then boyfriend, late in the second trimester in November 2009. However, I have come full circle.  I reflect back on how people say my sister, Mother and I are so alike and yet, I do not share their genes.  It's the old nature/nurture argument and I'm living proof that nurture is key.

I will try once more to create a baby with my own eggs, but the idea of a donor embryo is no longer something that I worry about.  I think of children I know, my little niece, my God daughter, my friend's children and if anything happened to any of the parents I would give that child a home and love it unquestionably.  I cannot imagine that a tiny little person would inspire anything other than absolute love in me, regardless of its origins. 

I know that in my forties, I may also face the prospect of twins if I'm lucky enough to be successful with donor embryos. This used to worry me, but now I would say it doesn't.  Financially it will be a nightmare and physcially you're going to need help, but think of the advantages after the baby stage.  Two children right away, a playmate and sibling for each other and a bond that will last well after you're gone.

I do know some people who think it a disgusting, selfish thing to do.  And you will face that.  However,  you have to square this with yourself.  To those 'haters' I say, does anyone ask you if your wish to have a child is disgusting or selfish, even though your relationship may be poor or your circumstances less than perfect? Does anyone question your motives for your desire to have a child?  I doubt it.  The same type of scrutiny just does not apply when a partnered man and a woman have a baby in the so called 'natural way'.  But I work in a job where I see what goes wrong in parenting and families and, so far, it has never been because a single woman created a baby with a donor egg and donor sperm.

I hope you forgive this tangent, but I know I'm not alone in wondering if donor embryos are a bridge too far.  I now know what I feel about it, but it took a while to let go of the dream of a biological child and not everyone can.

Negative

I'm sure you will realise that, had I hit the jackpot, I would have posted straight away.  Unfortunately, it took me a few days to pick myself up off the floor so I could post. I waited, like a real patient person, until Day 14 and tested.  A BFN, that's what.  I cried, of course, and then I got myself dressed and out.  In anticipation I packed Friday to Monday full of activities and friends, as well as taking the day off on test day.  Thank God.  I was partly tricked by the progesterone again, but more cautious this time so I'd say less shocked at the result.  The temperature rise got to me in this round.  It was quite distinct and I began to be so convinced. Feel a bit of a fool, to be honest.

I did email the clinic straight away on Friday to ask if there was really any point trying one last time.  The doctors think that I can get pregnant, but it will take time because of my age and once every 2 months is probably not cutting it.  They're hopeful due to how regularly and well I ovulate and also how I respond to the Clomid.  I'm sure they're right, but the question is can I put my life on hold any further, living on sod all?  If I'm going to do that surely I'd be better throwing my money at donor eggs. Everyone around me seems to think so. I feel really old.  I may not be old in actual years, but I'm clearly Medusa in the fertility stakes.

I've already decided, I think,  that I will try to scrape enough together to do a final round in Copenhagen, as I said I would, and then it's saving for the donor package in Cyprus at Dogus Clinic.  It will take me four months to save half the money and, weirdly, I am going to ask my father to lend me the rest so I don't have to wait 8 months.  I can pay him back from the month I go.   Dogus Clinic guarantee you ten fresh eggs and transfer 3 embryos rather than two, freezing the rest.  So if it doesn't work the first time, you can try the rest of your frozen eggs twice more for very little financial outlay.  It's got to be better than one pop only.

So, it looks like I may devote almost another whole year to getting pregnant as my career slides into the mire.  Then there will be an end to it, one way or another.  There has to be a cut off point, as I keep saying.  And I am beginning to dream, nay hallucinate, of what it would be like to afford new clothes, a meal out or a trip away that isn't to Copenhagen. Or what it would be like to think about something else.  My choice though and at least no one, least of all me, can say I didn't do my best to achieve it.  If it doesn't work at all, I can slug champagne on a Mediterranean beach terrace and know I tried. Now I'm off to have a bloody glass of wine.

Two week wait once more

It's purgatory this, seriously.  No symptoms at 9 dpo, which I suppose is also 9 dpiui, except headaches and queasiness from the progesterone supplements. Damn. Then shivers on and off and a few other things I've experienced (you don't want to know) around the same time when it's failed before.  Damn again.  Then today, double queasiness and some pokey and stretching feelings in my lower abdomen.  Maybe...

This truly is rubbish and I have to say I don't hold out much hope this time - I don't feel pregnant.  I feel pissed off is what I feel.  3 big, happy follicles and perfectly timed insemination and still no joy.  How can this be when I got pregnant on one follicle and not so great timing a few months ago?  Well, every month counts at my age, so I guess there may have been 3 big follicles, but there were also 3 dud eggs. Or maybe I'm fertilising and there's just too much scarring and irregularity in my endometrium so there's no implanting going on.

Grim, grim, grim.  One basket case signing off till Friday.

Round 6 - Here we go

I had a lovely time in Copenhagen,  if you eliminate all the stress of waiting for ovulation and trying to get there, of course.  I was beginning to wonder if ovulation was ever going to occur.  Finally, on the evening of Day 11 it happened -  I suppose this is when women on a 28 day cycle normally get ovulation so this time Clomid balanced me rather than making me ovulate extra early.  Cue crazy booking of flights and the Wakeup Hotel. 

I arrived around 12pm and Dr Svend ushered me in for an ultrasound.  I was lucky enough to see 3 nicely maturing follicles, two on the right and one on the left.  My left ovary usually hides from the scanner, so I was pleased to see it in action.  Each one was around 18mm, so Dr Svend booked me in for an insemination the next day at 10.15.  This was also strange for me, as I always have it done the day I arrive and certainly before, what would by then be, Day 13.  To be honest, I was glad as I was exhausted from getting up at 4am.  I went back to the hotel and crashed out for a few hours.

As luck would have it a friend of mine was in Copenhagen on business so we had a lovely, 3 course, evening meal on Nyhaven Harbour.  It was so nice to be with someone you know well and it occurred to me how lonely a trip this can often be. You don't really feel like a tourist because, after all, you're not. I  laugh inwardly when a Danish person asks me if I'm on holiday and what I'm doing in Copenhagen.  I always say 'I'm visiting', but what I'm thinking is 'I'm here for a shot of your country's finest sperm.'  Actually, what I am is a fertility tourist.

The insemination was over in a less than a minute and then I enjoyed a 45 minute acupuncture session with the clinic's resident acupuncturist.  It was my treat to myself because it's nearly all over and I wanted to give myself as much chance as possible.  It proved to be a brilliant idea.  I can honestly say that I went into a lovely state of mind and when it was over, I had the most amazing feeling of wellbeing for hours afterwards.  I've had acupuncture before, but it had never had that effect.  If you go to Copenhagen Fertilty Centre, book the acupuncture!

I've been back a few days and I'm on 6dpo.  Nothing to report really.  A few twinges and pokes, but, of course that's the progesterone suppositories.  I've chosen to take only 400mg a day because last time it drove me a bit nuts.  This seems more manageable.  I'm not feeling hot, I don't have any sore boobs and I feel OK generally.  Who can tell?  I am seasoned enough at this to know that now is around the time implantation takes place and seasoned enough not to obsess about every perceived sign.  I haven't gone near any two week wait forums and have booked up next week to the max so I don't think about it.  I will test on 9 December, which will be 14 days after the insemination and we will see.  I've taken the day off, prepared for the fall out and distress if it's a negative.