The blight of PMS

Well, at 7 days past the IUI I started getting sore and swollen boobs and the blighters have got worse and worse.  I'm already a big chested girl; now Jordan looks like an A cup next to me.  I've had cramps and a sort of heaviness in my abdomen, kind of like constipation, but different.   Not very scientific in explanation, I know.  I am not really sure why my unmedicated IUIs are bringing on such extreme PMS symptoms, and so soon.  I normally get mood swings about 7 days before I'm due my period, but sore and swollen breasts and cramps usually only 3-4 days before.  Now it seems that I am suffering for a whole 9-10 days!  Grim.  Still, I suppose it cuts down the two week wait to just one week.  I am feeling so irritable and down that I've taken half a day's leave this afternoon and come home. I must have seemed like a moody witch to my colleagues, who know nothing about what I'm doing.

So,  I'm snuggled on the sofa watching a truly rubbish DVD (The Boat That Rocked - utter trash), I feel swollen in every area and about as pregnant as an old man.  Ah well. Although I have been calmer this time and less obsessive, I took an early pregnancy test 10 days after the IUI to see if the weirdy cramps were a symptom of pregnancy.  I knew damn well they weren't, but I was ever hopeful.  It was, of course, negative.  I now wait for the dreaded flow which is another 4 long days away.  I feel disappointed and hugely irritated that I am swollen, whale like and sore with no reward to be gained at the end of it.

I'm sure everyone going through this experiences something similar.  You can drive yourself crazy.  I have read countless forums and experiences of other women and I don't know if it helps.  Sadly for me, a British woman doing this on my own finances (over 40 and single), I have no support from a gynaecologist or fertility expert to tell me if I'm wasting my cash.  All I have to go on is the tests my GP did for me.  I have an FSH of 7.5, 10 antral follicles, good clear ovaries and an endometrium that's as thin as it's allowed to get before it's pointless.  I am grumpy and feeling very sorry for myself today, wishing I'd not wasted my time in a long relationship that failed so late on in my biological clock, leaving me in this position past 40.

Oh well, spilt milk and all that stiff upper lip stuff.  Time to down another vat of Earl Grey tea.  I'm having March off to replenish my finances and do some acupuncture.  I think I need a month off so that I don't become absolutely deranged!   Here's hoping a few needles, Eastern thinking and some new clothes will make a difference for April.

Three countries in one day

My Grandmother, God rest her soul,  would have called me plain crazy. In an effort to save money, I spent Thursday 10 February in London Heathrow, Copenhagen and Frankfurt.  My heels barely touched the ground in either country and my planes home were, of course, delayed.  Knackered didn't cover it.  I had thirty minutes peace laying on the insemination couch for my required 'chill-out' time, but apart from that it was an 18 hour day of rushing and pure exhaustion.

I had lots to worry about when I called the clinic and left an answerphone message on the evening of the 9th.  Would they get the message, would they book me a slot, would there actually be a slot after I paid for my ridiculously expensive flights?  I arrived at Heathrow at 8am and called the clinic, 9am their time.  No need to worry. They'd booked me a slot exactly one hour after I landed to ensure I could make the appointment and in case of minor delays.  Panic over.  The problem with doing this overseas is that if you are more than 70 minutes late for your slot, the washed sperm sample is useless and you still have to pay for it.  Nightmare.  Still Scandinavian Airlines has punctuality as its strapline and they weren't wrong.  I can only imagine if I had used BA -late, delayed, cancelled. I arrived with time for an earl grey tea and a healthy sandwich in my favourite little Baresso coffee shop, at the end of the clinic's street.  A deep breath in and a smile on my face, off I went for round 2.

This time it was quite uncomfortable, but not exactly painful.  I had a different midwife, but she was just as nice and encouraging as the last one.  They take their time with you and create a mood of relaxation.  I worried it would be like the dreaded smear test, which I absolutely hate, but it's nothing like that.  That is Hell, this is ok.  She didn't rubbish my feelings about how I thought I might have conceived last time and she was supportive about how to manage the two weeks wait.  We talked about hormone treatment versus natural cycle and agreed that for me, with my stats, natural is still the best way forward for the first few times.

Once cocooned on my Lufthansa flight to Germany (delayed) I felt a bit sore and crampy, but otherwise fine.  I was delighted to get a free snack and drink, meaning no need to change money to stop starvation in Frankfurt.  It occurred to me as I caught flight number 3 back to London (delayed), that I was less excitable and calmer than last time.  As always, my thoughts turned to my previous partner and how much I miss him.  He is now in love with someone else, a girl 13 years younger than both of us.  It hurts terribly when I realise that he will have a family with her, naturally and with ease, especially as we lost our baby.  I do torture myself with this daily, but this is my path now and I can only move forward.  When I'm tired and a bit emotional this is very hard to do, but in true British style I have a nice cup of tea and think of  a gorgeous little baby in my arms, half Danish, half Scottish.  Hope is a wonderful drug.

Early morning flight to Copenhagen

Perhaps it's just my ill luck, but flights tomorrow are outrageously expensive.  Is it a special day in Denmark or is the evil Jinx Fairy having a laugh?  I have had to hang on till I ovulated so I don't end up as stressed as last time. My body hasn't let me down.  As of 8pm tonight, there's the little smiley face ready for Day 10.  I should have just booked my flight last month after all and then I wouldn't be paying as much for a flight as I am for the IUI!  So here I am, twenty minutes after seeing the cheery chappy in the pee stick window, desperately trying to book a flight.  I've got one, but am having to go all round the houses to get back to London.  Still, I've never been to Frankfurt. I am sure the airport terminal is very nice.

This month I really am down to the wire with money.  Every penny is acounted for and I'm a little scared that I might not be able to manage for the last two weeks of this month on what I've left myself.  However, somehow I will.  It could be worth it after all and if it means simple, basic foods, then so be it.  At least not drinking alcohol is a major saving.  So Copenhagen here I come.  4000 Danish Kroner, check. 200 spare kroner for a coffee and a sandwich, check. Passport, check. Call to Stork Klinik to book the slot, check. Will to live, check...

Round 2

I'm a few days away from ovulation and the next round of IUI.  I'm finding it hard to keep positive and feel a bit low.  Of course, feeling low isn't a great boost for your fertility so am trying to look after myself.  Normally I'd share a glass of red wine with a friend (or a bottle), but of course - no wine!   So I've been trying to eat foods that can help boost the endometrium.  Lots of beetroot, red meat, fish and spinach.  After a bit of research I've also discovered that eating the core of a pineapple, from the first day of the IUI to day five after ovulation, is supposed to help an embryo attach.  God knows why, but pineapple core contains bromelain which apparently is a boost to the uterine lining.  It's worth a try I suppose; after all it doesn't cost a lot and it can't hurt.

I have also turned my thoughts to acupuncture,  a therapy that has had very positive PR for aiding fertility.  It's costly though, especially when you're doing this alone and saving every bit of cash for the actual monthly IUI.  However, I've found  a centre with an acupunturist who specialises in pre-conception and fertility and offers a low cost service for just £25 a session.  We will see if it helps, but I am sure it can only do good.

Armed with some prospects for helping myself, I am thinking ahead now to next week's IUI with more hope.  It is hard doing this alone, there's no question of it, but actually maybe there's something to be said for having the strength to do it alone.  I can imagine that some male partners might find the trial this can impose on a woman hard to grasp.  At least I can't have my expectations of support and understanding dashed!  Here's to keeping the faith...