A victim of progesterone

I consider myself someone who is not easily fooled.  I put this down to hard nosed realism - some would say negativity - and a feeling, lately, that this just can't go my way.  So, it came as some suprise that after my early and ridiculously faint positive hpt,  I found myself fully convinced that I was pregnant.  I had every symptom going and all of them matched my last two pregnancies.  I just felt pregnant, I really did, just as I had the two times I actually was pregnant. I was so convinced that I worked out a due date, revised my company's maternity policy and checked out what happens if you are made redundant during maternity leave (we're about to be made redundant in the next year).  In fact, so convinced was I, that I tested on Saturday, CD25, 15dpiui and a day earlier than I wanted to.  You can imagine my utter devastation when it was a very clear negative.  I don't know why, but it completely crushed me this time.  I was inconsolable and could barely make it out of the flat to go to the supermarket.  Every pregnant woman, every tiny child and baby with doting parents just seemed to be on the street or in the supermarket yesterday.  I was devastated.  I've been through this five times now, so you'd think I would find it easier. I suppose as D Day nears and my time has officially run out I am becoming more upset and distressed by the failures.

I wasted £10.99 on two early response tests, just so I could be sure before I stopped the progesterone and let the inevitable happen.  Of course, the test was negative.  If such an early response test is negative when it can pick up hcg as early as 6 days prior to your period, there was no denying it, I was most definitely not pregnant.  It made me realise that 3-4dpiui when I experienced those tell-tale symptoms of failure - that shivery feeling, a period kind of nausea and a period type of cramp - I was absolutely right to think it had failed.  How could I have been so fooled?  Well, it seems that even hard nosed realists can be swayed by progesterone.  Now I think back, as soon as it had been in my system for a few days, I started getting pregnancy symptoms and away went the 'failure' symptoms.  Of course they did, the progesterone had kicked in.  At 2 x 400mg per day was it any wonder?

I suppose given the positive double follicle scenario, the two very positive ultrasounds and the perfectly timed insemination, I just couldn't believe it hadn't worked on this first round with Clomid.  Well, it didn't.  And there we have it.  Good FSH, I ovulate on my own and produce mature follicles, but I guess it's time to face the fact that my eggs are just too past it now.  I may have been pregnant at 41 and 43 (four months ago), but now it seems it's just a bridge too far.

I'm still upset today and although I will complete two more cycles, making a total of seven in one year, I don't know how I'm going to drag myself through them.  This is when being single really sucks.  I won't even go in to the debilitating thoughts I had about my ex-partner and the very fertile, 20 something girlfriend he found after me, the horror of facing childlessness and my feelings of abject failure.  The truth is today and yesterday have not been good days.  I only wish I was the only one going through this because I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I know that across the globe there will be women who know exactly what I'm talking about and exactly how I feel.  So my thoughts are with you.

Finally some answers

My GP referred me to another GP within the practice.  No further forward as she's away for another two weeks.  However, I rang the clinic in Denmark and they arranged for me to talk to Dr. Jan again. Relief. He discussed the Clomid according to my personal requirements, confirming 1 x 50mg a day from day 3-7.  He then advised progesterone after IUI because my cycle is short, and if Clomid delays my ovulation, the luteal phase won't be long enough.  2 x 400mg pessaries for 15 days to start with.  Again relief.  This what I want.  Facts and figures - how much, when and for how long.  I explained I'd been spotting a lot the last few months up to 5 days before my period and he agreed it's not quite right. Probably a corpus luteal defect (sounds like something legal) and even though it's only recently been a problem it's not a great sign. I think, being honest, I'm just heading into menopause quicker than I thought.  I think back and I realise that as soon as my cycles dropped to 24 days, as opposed to the 26-28 days I've had all my life, I started getting that weird low blood sugar feeling, nausea and shivers before my period.  It all makes sense now.

Dr. Jan suggested that I get a follicular scan on Day 8-9 in London to check the follicle size and potential ovulation, which will then help me figure out when to fly over to Copenhagen.  All I have to do is then call CFC (Copenhagen Fertility Centre) with the results and they will advise me when to go.   This cuts down the stress of worrying about exactly when my follciles are big enough before, during or after I get a positive ovulation test and how many days I will have to go to Denmark for -1 or 2. CFC will rescan me when I get there, before we go any further, and determine if I need Ovitrelle or not to 'pop' them or if I should do the IUI a day later. I've got the The London Ultrasound Centre and The Birth Company on speed dial. Here are the links. For £120, they scan, provide a report immediately, send any info you want to the clinic of your choice and require no referral.

http://www.thelondonultrasoundcentre.co.uk/follicle-tracking-scan/

http://www.thebirthcompany.co.uk/

It may be £120 per scan, but even if I add that to the IUI price at Copenhagen Fertility Centre it's still only a total of £400 per cycle, including the donor sperm.  No clinic in the UK can match that for the procedure and the sperm.  Even when I add on flights. Although, I've just found out about a great new clinic in Southampton called Complete Fertility Centre which is linked to the NHS. It's only been on the go since January 2010, but...it's only £900 per cycle including sperm!  Compare that to the whopping £1800-2000 per cycle in London clinics.  Unfortunately for me,  they won't treat women over 43.  What a shame!  Here's the link though, because if I was of a treatable age, I would definitely do it, just for the ease of staying in the UK and having start to finish fertility care.  I only wish I'd found out about it sooner.

http://www.completefertility.co.uk/index.php

I realise, sadly, that I really, really am nearing the end of my time, but at least I feel less stressed now with my last 2-3 goes.  I know what to do and that's half the battle. In mental preparation for a potentially childless future I've bought a book called 'Beyond Childlessness'.  It's really helpful actually. I need to prepare.  I  don't want to crumble into a heap and end up with 40 house cats and a slum for a house.  Let that not happen to me.  Repeat, let that not happen to me.

Obstacles

I have just checked the website for flights to Copenhagen on July 8-10 when I am probably going to ovulate and, unbelievably, we're looking at £180-200 already!  God only knows what the price will be when it gets to the point I can actually book flights.  I can't reasonably do that until Day 1 of my period, because I'm not sure if I will follow a 24, 25, or even 28 day cyle this time. Even then it's a minefield knowing whether I will ovulate on Day 10, 11 or 12.  So, this time around it looks like my flights will actually cost more than my insemination. Fabulous. 

I do wonder whether or not fate is beginning to get rather fed up with me constantly trying to swerve the various obstacles it has tried to put in my way and has decided to screw me over with the one thing it knows I cannot overcome - money.   If the flights are more than £300 then I will have to wait again.

Added to which, I seem to have hit a bit of a downer mood wise.  I don't know if it was because I went on dates that did nothing to help my self esteem, or because I'm working my butt off exercising and shedding not a pound from my tummy, back and chin.  Or maybe it's because I have the very uncomfortable feeling that time is hastening me towards the prospect of childlessness, not to mention being alone, and I have no idea how I will get over it.  I know that I have around 3 times left to try, but I feel today as though everything is conspiring against me.

If I was to really indulge in self pity I'd say I feel  rejected, unloved, fat, old and useless today.  Yes, it has been a rubbish weekend.  It's time's like this I just want to move abroad, buy a dog, eat whatever I want and drink red wine. And no longer care about being a mother (or never being with a man again.)  Somedays, I just feel like I want a release from this deep seated desire to have a child.

However, I suppose as ever it's pick your ass up off the floor time and get on with it.  Maybe without a smile this time.  I wonder if anyone else feels the same...