I have just checked the website for flights to Copenhagen on July 8-10 when I am probably going to ovulate and, unbelievably, we're looking at £180-200 already! God only knows what the price will be when it gets to the point I can actually book flights. I can't reasonably do that until Day 1 of my period, because I'm not sure if I will follow a 24, 25, or even 28 day cyle this time. Even then it's a minefield knowing whether I will ovulate on Day 10, 11 or 12. So, this time around it looks like my flights will actually cost more than my insemination. Fabulous.
I do wonder whether or not fate is beginning to get rather fed up with me constantly trying to swerve the various obstacles it has tried to put in my way and has decided to screw me over with the one thing it knows I cannot overcome - money. If the flights are more than £300 then I will have to wait again.
Added to which, I seem to have hit a bit of a downer mood wise. I don't know if it was because I went on dates that did nothing to help my self esteem, or because I'm working my butt off exercising and shedding not a pound from my tummy, back and chin. Or maybe it's because I have the very uncomfortable feeling that time is hastening me towards the prospect of childlessness, not to mention being alone, and I have no idea how I will get over it. I know that I have around 3 times left to try, but I feel today as though everything is conspiring against me.
If I was to really indulge in self pity I'd say I feel rejected, unloved, fat, old and useless today. Yes, it has been a rubbish weekend. It's time's like this I just want to move abroad, buy a dog, eat whatever I want and drink red wine. And no longer care about being a mother (or never being with a man again.) Somedays, I just feel like I want a release from this deep seated desire to have a child.
However, I suppose as ever it's pick your ass up off the floor time and get on with it. Maybe without a smile this time. I wonder if anyone else feels the same...
I'm there - totallly there!! I just spent a great weekend with my sister, shopping and relaxing, however everywhere we went there were pregnant women, happily shopping with their spouses...its like happy pregnant women were coming out of the woodwork just to taunt me. The retail therapy helped a bit, but then I would run into maternity and baby clothing as well! I am due to get my period any day and I will start my 6th cycle. I am trying to be positive, but it gets harder each cycle. My fertility doc is more positive than I am!
ReplyDeleteWait until your period comes and goes, your mood will brighten up then I'm sure. I think you aren't running into "mr. right" because your life is preparing itself for single motherhood, at least for now. Imagine the stress with regards to your bio clock if you met someone that you liked and had to wait to move through relationship steps in order to try to get pregnant? Give youself a hug from all those women going through this with you and forge ahead - the smiling can follow along later ;-)
Aw bless you Christine! It's so good to know that there are others in the same boat. Why is it that we seem to be surrounded by happy,smiling pregnant women with doting husbands! I am keeping my fingers crossed for your next cycle. Why
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