Two week wait once more

It's purgatory this, seriously.  No symptoms at 9 dpo, which I suppose is also 9 dpiui, except headaches and queasiness from the progesterone supplements. Damn. Then shivers on and off and a few other things I've experienced (you don't want to know) around the same time when it's failed before.  Damn again.  Then today, double queasiness and some pokey and stretching feelings in my lower abdomen.  Maybe...

This truly is rubbish and I have to say I don't hold out much hope this time - I don't feel pregnant.  I feel pissed off is what I feel.  3 big, happy follicles and perfectly timed insemination and still no joy.  How can this be when I got pregnant on one follicle and not so great timing a few months ago?  Well, every month counts at my age, so I guess there may have been 3 big follicles, but there were also 3 dud eggs. Or maybe I'm fertilising and there's just too much scarring and irregularity in my endometrium so there's no implanting going on.

Grim, grim, grim.  One basket case signing off till Friday.

Round 6 - Here we go

I had a lovely time in Copenhagen,  if you eliminate all the stress of waiting for ovulation and trying to get there, of course.  I was beginning to wonder if ovulation was ever going to occur.  Finally, on the evening of Day 11 it happened -  I suppose this is when women on a 28 day cycle normally get ovulation so this time Clomid balanced me rather than making me ovulate extra early.  Cue crazy booking of flights and the Wakeup Hotel. 

I arrived around 12pm and Dr Svend ushered me in for an ultrasound.  I was lucky enough to see 3 nicely maturing follicles, two on the right and one on the left.  My left ovary usually hides from the scanner, so I was pleased to see it in action.  Each one was around 18mm, so Dr Svend booked me in for an insemination the next day at 10.15.  This was also strange for me, as I always have it done the day I arrive and certainly before, what would by then be, Day 13.  To be honest, I was glad as I was exhausted from getting up at 4am.  I went back to the hotel and crashed out for a few hours.

As luck would have it a friend of mine was in Copenhagen on business so we had a lovely, 3 course, evening meal on Nyhaven Harbour.  It was so nice to be with someone you know well and it occurred to me how lonely a trip this can often be. You don't really feel like a tourist because, after all, you're not. I  laugh inwardly when a Danish person asks me if I'm on holiday and what I'm doing in Copenhagen.  I always say 'I'm visiting', but what I'm thinking is 'I'm here for a shot of your country's finest sperm.'  Actually, what I am is a fertility tourist.

The insemination was over in a less than a minute and then I enjoyed a 45 minute acupuncture session with the clinic's resident acupuncturist.  It was my treat to myself because it's nearly all over and I wanted to give myself as much chance as possible.  It proved to be a brilliant idea.  I can honestly say that I went into a lovely state of mind and when it was over, I had the most amazing feeling of wellbeing for hours afterwards.  I've had acupuncture before, but it had never had that effect.  If you go to Copenhagen Fertilty Centre, book the acupuncture!

I've been back a few days and I'm on 6dpo.  Nothing to report really.  A few twinges and pokes, but, of course that's the progesterone suppositories.  I've chosen to take only 400mg a day because last time it drove me a bit nuts.  This seems more manageable.  I'm not feeling hot, I don't have any sore boobs and I feel OK generally.  Who can tell?  I am seasoned enough at this to know that now is around the time implantation takes place and seasoned enough not to obsess about every perceived sign.  I haven't gone near any two week wait forums and have booked up next week to the max so I don't think about it.  I will test on 9 December, which will be 14 days after the insemination and we will see.  I've taken the day off, prepared for the fall out and distress if it's a negative.

In preparation for the penultimate round

So, I've been a bit absent in the month off between the last round and the one coming.  (It takes two pay checks to do one insemination, so there's always a month off.)  I say a month 'off', but it hasn't been a party, that's for sure.  A sick and elderly father in hospital and a Hobson's choice to either wait for the chop or take voluntary redundancy now.  Hmm.  Never a dull moment.  Still, mustn't lose focus.  In the lead up to the penultimate round of my year long devotion to trying to get pregnant alone, I have finally given some thought to donor eggs.  Thought is as far as it will probably ever get.  For the sum of £5000, plus some extra cost for drugs, I can have a donor embryo package in Cyprus that includes donor eggs, IVF, accommodation while you're there, donor semen and drugs for the donor female.  I had a very informative email response to my enquiries from Dogus IVF Centre, Northern Cyprus (www.dogusivfcentre.com)  They match a female donor to your look and use the Danish sperm banks.  I have never really been sure how I feel about this, but with a success rate of  77% it is not to be dismissed.  Compare that with my current odds of 1-12% with donor insemination and my own eggs and it appears to be a no brainer.  There is just one problem...where to lay my hands on £5000 + quickly.  Not going to happen!

Therein lies the dilemma.  If I take voluntary redundancy I may get that sum, but, of course, I wouldn't have a job.  A job that's very flexible and a 15 minute commute with good maternity pay.  On the other hand I may be out of that job in a few months anyhow.  What, I ask, would you do, given the circumstances.  Answers on a postcard please...

Putting all this to one side in preparation for this round, I am getting aggressive and taking 100mg of Clomid per day instead of 50mg.  Dr Svend agrees.  God knows what this will achieve, but hopefully more than two big follicles, or just two extremely mature follicles.  I am a bit short financially this month, due to visiting said sick father (he lives far away), so I'm not having a follicular scan in the UK first this time.  Going to rely on the old pee sticks alone, testing from Day 7, just in case. Trying not to get my hopes up, but inevitably there is always hope before the insemination.  So, all being well, in about 7 days time I'll fly out for the last but one shot of Denmark's finest.

Finally, I received a questionnaire from Storkklinik asking me to complete it for their statistics and records when my baby is born in December.  Of course, I would have been 8 months pregnant now had my successful IUI in March continued past 6 weeks.  It was a little upsetting, but I suppose it just reminded me that I got pregnant on the third attempt so it's still possible now, isn't it?

A victim of progesterone

I consider myself someone who is not easily fooled.  I put this down to hard nosed realism - some would say negativity - and a feeling, lately, that this just can't go my way.  So, it came as some suprise that after my early and ridiculously faint positive hpt,  I found myself fully convinced that I was pregnant.  I had every symptom going and all of them matched my last two pregnancies.  I just felt pregnant, I really did, just as I had the two times I actually was pregnant. I was so convinced that I worked out a due date, revised my company's maternity policy and checked out what happens if you are made redundant during maternity leave (we're about to be made redundant in the next year).  In fact, so convinced was I, that I tested on Saturday, CD25, 15dpiui and a day earlier than I wanted to.  You can imagine my utter devastation when it was a very clear negative.  I don't know why, but it completely crushed me this time.  I was inconsolable and could barely make it out of the flat to go to the supermarket.  Every pregnant woman, every tiny child and baby with doting parents just seemed to be on the street or in the supermarket yesterday.  I was devastated.  I've been through this five times now, so you'd think I would find it easier. I suppose as D Day nears and my time has officially run out I am becoming more upset and distressed by the failures.

I wasted £10.99 on two early response tests, just so I could be sure before I stopped the progesterone and let the inevitable happen.  Of course, the test was negative.  If such an early response test is negative when it can pick up hcg as early as 6 days prior to your period, there was no denying it, I was most definitely not pregnant.  It made me realise that 3-4dpiui when I experienced those tell-tale symptoms of failure - that shivery feeling, a period kind of nausea and a period type of cramp - I was absolutely right to think it had failed.  How could I have been so fooled?  Well, it seems that even hard nosed realists can be swayed by progesterone.  Now I think back, as soon as it had been in my system for a few days, I started getting pregnancy symptoms and away went the 'failure' symptoms.  Of course they did, the progesterone had kicked in.  At 2 x 400mg per day was it any wonder?

I suppose given the positive double follicle scenario, the two very positive ultrasounds and the perfectly timed insemination, I just couldn't believe it hadn't worked on this first round with Clomid.  Well, it didn't.  And there we have it.  Good FSH, I ovulate on my own and produce mature follicles, but I guess it's time to face the fact that my eggs are just too past it now.  I may have been pregnant at 41 and 43 (four months ago), but now it seems it's just a bridge too far.

I'm still upset today and although I will complete two more cycles, making a total of seven in one year, I don't know how I'm going to drag myself through them.  This is when being single really sucks.  I won't even go in to the debilitating thoughts I had about my ex-partner and the very fertile, 20 something girlfriend he found after me, the horror of facing childlessness and my feelings of abject failure.  The truth is today and yesterday have not been good days.  I only wish I was the only one going through this because I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I know that across the globe there will be women who know exactly what I'm talking about and exactly how I feel.  So my thoughts are with you.

Round 5 (or round 2 post miscarriage) and 28 degrees

So, arriving in Copenhagen without a sense of humour because I had to deal with Stansted at 5am, I find myself dive bombing into serious bad temper.  It's 28 degrees and I'm wearing a jumper.  To make matters worse that's all I have to wear so that I don't have to pay for luggage on the budget airline.  Not happy.  I make my way on the 5A to Lytgen and make it 30 minutes earlier than my appointment. I calm down once in the cool of the clinic and its clean design.

Dr. Svend appears to give me an ultrasound and confirms that one of my follicles has popped and the other is about to go.  Based on this, he says, I should be inseminated in 30 minutes after a shot of Ovitrelle (an extra 350 DKK or £38) to ensure the second one pops too.  I'm relieved.  As I'm whipping my trousers back on to wait while they do whatever it is they do to the sperm, Dr S says he's very impressed with the quality of my ultrasound report from the London Ultrasound Centre.  'I should think so', I replied, 'it cost £120 - practically half the cost of an insemination'  'You didn't get it on the NHS?', he queries.  'Er...no.'  Where to start?  If I explain why that wouldn't be possible, I might start ranting about being over 40, female, single and British.  And I'm wearing a jumper in 28 degrees.  So I don't.

After a 30 minute wait Dr Jan ushers me into a suite.  He's my favourite.  He's a very friendly, avuncular sort who doesn't make me feel like a muppet asking all the questions I usually bombard him with.  He greets me and then asks me if I'm happy with blond and blue as requested.  182cm this time.  I say yes and sign on the dotted line and up on the couch I go.  Not for the first time I consider just how truly bizarre this is.  A couple of minutes later it's done and off I go to enjoy the sweltering heat of Copenhagen, with a 'good luck' and 'take two progesterone suppositories per day from now on' ringing in my ears.

I got so bad tempered in the heat that I caved and bought some cheap clothes from H&M so that I could actually enjoy a bit of sightseeing.  After a spin around Nyhaven harbour, the shops and the castle grounds I made for my hotel in Orestad.  This time I chose Cabinn Metro and I wish I hadn't.  It really wasn't up to the standards of Wakeup and it was  located a metro ride away, by a huge shopping centre and nothing much else.  It was, however, only 485 DKK or £58.

The next day I sat by the river for ages in the heat and pondered my lot, whilst feeling yucky about the ooze that comes from using suppositories. I considered the fact that, if this round doesn't work, I have just two more shots (self imposed end - emotionally need to draw a line and well in to my 44th year).  As if to cheer me up a crazy man on an adapted cycle, complete with sound deck and sound system, cycled past pumping sounds and whooping. Everyone sitting on the wall and by the river whooped and joined in, including me.  I hope it was a good omen.

Crazy Clomid

Well, I just don't know about this drug.  I took it days 3-7 as suggested and the side effects were, thankfully, not too awful.  Hot flashes definitely and a good bit of bloating and moodiness, but no nausea, sore breasts or other horrors.  The thing of it is that I'm not sure how well it worked because, not having had an ultrasound pre ovulation before, I had nothing to compare it to.  On CD6-8 I got ultra hot and had a lot of other tell-tale ovulation signs, but I assumed that it was just the drug because it was far too early.  After all Clomid was supposed to delay my ovulation not make it happen earlier.  So I didn't test on CD8.  I usually test from CD8 onwards.  I wrestled with myself on CD9, the morning I booked my follicular scan at the London Ultrasound Centre. Should I test this morning or not? I decided not. I arrived at the clinic and saw the size of my follicles on a super sonic screen.  One at 21.5mm and one at 14.5 mm with an endometrium of 8.5 mm.  The left ovary couldn't be seen, the little devil. The sonographer estimated ovulation within 24 hours.  Damn it I thought - so my body wasn't lying and I was going to ovulate on CD10 -  which meant that I would have had an LH surge on CD8 or CD9 in the morning.  I had never had one as early as CD8 or before CD9 in the late evening.  Can only have been the Clomid.

Cue mental booking of flights, taking a flexi day off and swapping my planned leave on Monday for leave on Friday.  Plus much testing using an OPK. Of course, there was no smiley face because I'd missed the surge!  However, Copenhagen Fertility Centre were great.  They booked me in the next day and said they'd do a further ultrasound first and we'd decide what to do next.  The London Ultrasound Centre had emailed over my results and the doctor was very happy with them.  The follicles can get quite big on Clomid so it was no guarantee that I would ovulate the next day, though certainly within 24-36 hours.  They reassured me that we had a good window and plenty of options!  So I geared myself up for a hideous 7 am flight, which meant a 3am rise.  Grim.

Finally some answers

My GP referred me to another GP within the practice.  No further forward as she's away for another two weeks.  However, I rang the clinic in Denmark and they arranged for me to talk to Dr. Jan again. Relief. He discussed the Clomid according to my personal requirements, confirming 1 x 50mg a day from day 3-7.  He then advised progesterone after IUI because my cycle is short, and if Clomid delays my ovulation, the luteal phase won't be long enough.  2 x 400mg pessaries for 15 days to start with.  Again relief.  This what I want.  Facts and figures - how much, when and for how long.  I explained I'd been spotting a lot the last few months up to 5 days before my period and he agreed it's not quite right. Probably a corpus luteal defect (sounds like something legal) and even though it's only recently been a problem it's not a great sign. I think, being honest, I'm just heading into menopause quicker than I thought.  I think back and I realise that as soon as my cycles dropped to 24 days, as opposed to the 26-28 days I've had all my life, I started getting that weird low blood sugar feeling, nausea and shivers before my period.  It all makes sense now.

Dr. Jan suggested that I get a follicular scan on Day 8-9 in London to check the follicle size and potential ovulation, which will then help me figure out when to fly over to Copenhagen.  All I have to do is then call CFC (Copenhagen Fertility Centre) with the results and they will advise me when to go.   This cuts down the stress of worrying about exactly when my follciles are big enough before, during or after I get a positive ovulation test and how many days I will have to go to Denmark for -1 or 2. CFC will rescan me when I get there, before we go any further, and determine if I need Ovitrelle or not to 'pop' them or if I should do the IUI a day later. I've got the The London Ultrasound Centre and The Birth Company on speed dial. Here are the links. For £120, they scan, provide a report immediately, send any info you want to the clinic of your choice and require no referral.

http://www.thelondonultrasoundcentre.co.uk/follicle-tracking-scan/

http://www.thebirthcompany.co.uk/

It may be £120 per scan, but even if I add that to the IUI price at Copenhagen Fertility Centre it's still only a total of £400 per cycle, including the donor sperm.  No clinic in the UK can match that for the procedure and the sperm.  Even when I add on flights. Although, I've just found out about a great new clinic in Southampton called Complete Fertility Centre which is linked to the NHS. It's only been on the go since January 2010, but...it's only £900 per cycle including sperm!  Compare that to the whopping £1800-2000 per cycle in London clinics.  Unfortunately for me,  they won't treat women over 43.  What a shame!  Here's the link though, because if I was of a treatable age, I would definitely do it, just for the ease of staying in the UK and having start to finish fertility care.  I only wish I'd found out about it sooner.

http://www.completefertility.co.uk/index.php

I realise, sadly, that I really, really am nearing the end of my time, but at least I feel less stressed now with my last 2-3 goes.  I know what to do and that's half the battle. In mental preparation for a potentially childless future I've bought a book called 'Beyond Childlessness'.  It's really helpful actually. I need to prepare.  I  don't want to crumble into a heap and end up with 40 house cats and a slum for a house.  Let that not happen to me.  Repeat, let that not happen to me.