Three countries in one day

My Grandmother, God rest her soul,  would have called me plain crazy. In an effort to save money, I spent Thursday 10 February in London Heathrow, Copenhagen and Frankfurt.  My heels barely touched the ground in either country and my planes home were, of course, delayed.  Knackered didn't cover it.  I had thirty minutes peace laying on the insemination couch for my required 'chill-out' time, but apart from that it was an 18 hour day of rushing and pure exhaustion.

I had lots to worry about when I called the clinic and left an answerphone message on the evening of the 9th.  Would they get the message, would they book me a slot, would there actually be a slot after I paid for my ridiculously expensive flights?  I arrived at Heathrow at 8am and called the clinic, 9am their time.  No need to worry. They'd booked me a slot exactly one hour after I landed to ensure I could make the appointment and in case of minor delays.  Panic over.  The problem with doing this overseas is that if you are more than 70 minutes late for your slot, the washed sperm sample is useless and you still have to pay for it.  Nightmare.  Still Scandinavian Airlines has punctuality as its strapline and they weren't wrong.  I can only imagine if I had used BA -late, delayed, cancelled. I arrived with time for an earl grey tea and a healthy sandwich in my favourite little Baresso coffee shop, at the end of the clinic's street.  A deep breath in and a smile on my face, off I went for round 2.

This time it was quite uncomfortable, but not exactly painful.  I had a different midwife, but she was just as nice and encouraging as the last one.  They take their time with you and create a mood of relaxation.  I worried it would be like the dreaded smear test, which I absolutely hate, but it's nothing like that.  That is Hell, this is ok.  She didn't rubbish my feelings about how I thought I might have conceived last time and she was supportive about how to manage the two weeks wait.  We talked about hormone treatment versus natural cycle and agreed that for me, with my stats, natural is still the best way forward for the first few times.

Once cocooned on my Lufthansa flight to Germany (delayed) I felt a bit sore and crampy, but otherwise fine.  I was delighted to get a free snack and drink, meaning no need to change money to stop starvation in Frankfurt.  It occurred to me as I caught flight number 3 back to London (delayed), that I was less excitable and calmer than last time.  As always, my thoughts turned to my previous partner and how much I miss him.  He is now in love with someone else, a girl 13 years younger than both of us.  It hurts terribly when I realise that he will have a family with her, naturally and with ease, especially as we lost our baby.  I do torture myself with this daily, but this is my path now and I can only move forward.  When I'm tired and a bit emotional this is very hard to do, but in true British style I have a nice cup of tea and think of  a gorgeous little baby in my arms, half Danish, half Scottish.  Hope is a wonderful drug.

Donor insemination and the single girl in the UK - A reality check!

Step One - The Decision to Go It Alone
You've done your research (American based blogs, forums and websites), read books from women who've done it already (all American it seems) and you've reached a decision to proceed.   Bravo!  I'm with you, I'm doing it too. However, you'll quickly realise, if you live in the UK, it's after this incredibly difficult decision that it all becomes very, very complicated. Let me explain. There are three things I learned about choosing single motherhood in the UK; forget it, find a man or be loaded. 

Step two - The NHS
The UK is not a great place for single women looking to be mothers.  Firstly, there is the question of the NHS.  The rule here is that if you're single, over 39 and female you will not be treated with donor insemination.   I think I'm right in saying that even if you're under 39 this is true, although you may be eligible for IVF as long as you have a known sperm donor e.g. husband, partner or someone willing. Save yourself lots of heartache and don't go through the rigmarole of trying.  Although I'm told that attitudes are changing, it will be a long time yet before these changes reach the NHS and single woman over 39 will be given any kind of fertility treatment on the NHS.  The HFEA is the body that regulates donor insemination and clinics must consider the 'father's role' in the treatment.  In essence, although it is not quite put this way, the underlying tone is that if you're single, morally, the NHS cannot treat you.  

Step Three - Private Clinics
So to the next step.  I looked into private clinics.  The good news is that there are a fair few private clinics that will treat you as a single women, and if you're over 40.   The London Women's Clinic is amongst these - it gets a good rap - and there are many outside London too. The bad news is that women will have to stump up cash to the tune of £1,800 + per cycle.  Yes, that's PER cycle.  I don't know about you, but as a woman on a normal salary (and mine is by no means bad) this is just not a possibility.  If you're in a couple it is probably about do-able, but on your own? Doubtful, very, very doubtful.  So, what next?

Step Four - That Ex and My Gay Mate
Well, you can always see if that ex you're still friendly with is up for the challenge of co-parenting, but first think about the reality of this.  A good book that outlines the pitfalls of this is 'Knock Yourself Up' by Louise Sloan.  Yes, it's  American so some parts just don't apply to us in the UK, but she does have very valid points to make about this consideration.  I did have an offer, but we both knew it was a fantasy.  Reality bites; none harder than tying yourself to someone with slightly different views on life from you.  Think about it.  The same applies to your gay friend.  For some people it really works out and it is important above all else to have a father, albeit one that doesn't quite fit.  This is something you really need to think seriously about.  I did and I decided it was a NO.  So now what?

Step Five - The Future is Danish
I did my research and Spain seemed a pretty good bet.  It's the place the GP's recommend and it isn't prohibitively expensive.  I even booked a consultation with a clinic in Barcelona at the Fertility Fair in Earl's Court.  Except for one thing...donor insemination without fertility treatment, or rather with a natural cycle, seems out of the question for women over 40.  That's the message I got - you can't use your own eggs after 40.  Having been pregnant at 41 with one try and once at 25, again with one try, (long story as to why neither went to term - one for another blog) I had my bloods done by my GP to see if I was still a viable prospect for natural cycle insemination.  The results?  Good hormones, good level of potential fertility, good tubes etc etc.  No need for Clomid.  OK then, so which country will inseminate me without fertility 'extras'?  The answer is Denmark.  Several good clinics that treat single women and lesbians exist there.  Simple, inexpensive, compassionate and run my midwives who understand a thing or two about women. And you get to go to Copenhagen.  I picked a clinic - I chose Stork Klinik- sent off my 'tests' proving I was clean of all the usual nasties and bingo!  A consultation after 3 weeks with an insemination booked for the next ovulation and a fee of £470 for one anonymous shot of Danish sperm.  Simple. Or is it...

Next blog will talk you through my consultation and what to expect.

Till then.