Farewell IUI

Ah well, pessimist or realist?  You decide, but I am defintitely not pregnant now as my bfn confirms.  My clinic thinks it may have been a chemical pregnancy or just the last traces of Ovitrelle. I'm gutted.  Really gutted, but I haven't changed my mind about going again.  That's it for me for the IUIs - I'm making a decision and I'm sticking to it.  I find I can't really face anyone right now though, I feel a bit raw.  I still work as an actor now and again and I had a professional engagement last night.  I really had to steel myself to get out there and to perform.  It was really hard.  However, like everything else in life somehow you just do what you have to do.  Women are great, aren't they?  We could rule the world and it's oh such a shame that we don't!  I digress, probably because I'm in bits. 

I will activate Plan B when I've caught my breath.  I feel ready now, it's definitely time for the big guns.  I'm going to do the tandem IVF - my own eggs and donor eggs at the same time.  Whichever embryos are the most viable are the ones transferred. May the best woman win, so to speak!  I will give more information on this soon, and on this blog, but for now I am drinking a vat of red wine, eating a ton of Twiglets and Maltesers, sobbing my heart out to Adele's 'Someone Like You' and half watching Mark Wahlberg in some dodgy action film.  Goodnight for now.

In preparation for the penultimate round

So, I've been a bit absent in the month off between the last round and the one coming.  (It takes two pay checks to do one insemination, so there's always a month off.)  I say a month 'off', but it hasn't been a party, that's for sure.  A sick and elderly father in hospital and a Hobson's choice to either wait for the chop or take voluntary redundancy now.  Hmm.  Never a dull moment.  Still, mustn't lose focus.  In the lead up to the penultimate round of my year long devotion to trying to get pregnant alone, I have finally given some thought to donor eggs.  Thought is as far as it will probably ever get.  For the sum of £5000, plus some extra cost for drugs, I can have a donor embryo package in Cyprus that includes donor eggs, IVF, accommodation while you're there, donor semen and drugs for the donor female.  I had a very informative email response to my enquiries from Dogus IVF Centre, Northern Cyprus (www.dogusivfcentre.com)  They match a female donor to your look and use the Danish sperm banks.  I have never really been sure how I feel about this, but with a success rate of  77% it is not to be dismissed.  Compare that with my current odds of 1-12% with donor insemination and my own eggs and it appears to be a no brainer.  There is just one problem...where to lay my hands on £5000 + quickly.  Not going to happen!

Therein lies the dilemma.  If I take voluntary redundancy I may get that sum, but, of course, I wouldn't have a job.  A job that's very flexible and a 15 minute commute with good maternity pay.  On the other hand I may be out of that job in a few months anyhow.  What, I ask, would you do, given the circumstances.  Answers on a postcard please...

Putting all this to one side in preparation for this round, I am getting aggressive and taking 100mg of Clomid per day instead of 50mg.  Dr Svend agrees.  God knows what this will achieve, but hopefully more than two big follicles, or just two extremely mature follicles.  I am a bit short financially this month, due to visiting said sick father (he lives far away), so I'm not having a follicular scan in the UK first this time.  Going to rely on the old pee sticks alone, testing from Day 7, just in case. Trying not to get my hopes up, but inevitably there is always hope before the insemination.  So, all being well, in about 7 days time I'll fly out for the last but one shot of Denmark's finest.

Finally, I received a questionnaire from Storkklinik asking me to complete it for their statistics and records when my baby is born in December.  Of course, I would have been 8 months pregnant now had my successful IUI in March continued past 6 weeks.  It was a little upsetting, but I suppose it just reminded me that I got pregnant on the third attempt so it's still possible now, isn't it?

Relief, Round 3 and a Danish Pastry...

Perhaps there is a little bit of luck left in my world after all.  Results of the biopsy revealed a non-malignant mass, thought by the consultant to be scar tissue, probably left over from a nasty accident several years ago.  Thinking back, I remember being hauled out of a van that had overturned several times after skidding on ice and snow. I was touring as an actor at the time.  I also remember having my chest smacked against the dashboard at a fair old pace.  So a mass it is, malignant it is not.  I should feel an overwhelming sense of relief, but actually I'm just exhausted.  Really exhausted.   

And so I proceed to Round 3. I have my flights to Copenhagen booked and I'm staying overnight, covering day 10 and 11 of my cycle, when I always ovulate.  If for some reason I don't ovulate at the usual time I can stay another night by changing flights, so no stress there.  I'm even going to try and do a few more touristy things this time to lighten the load.   Don't think I could have coped with another cross- European flight circuit in under 24 hours, especially after the hell of this month. Since I won my reprieve from the Breast Cancer Demon, I have thought more about this whole business of IUIs.  I have been researching on the net (again) and trawled through countless fertility forums (again).  I'm not sure I will do three more of these IUIs if this one fails.  It seems silly to not consider other options. So, I've arranged an appointment at the Copenhagen Fertility Centre on the 31st to check out medicated IUI and IVF options.  Stork Klinik are great, but they don't have the facility to sort out a medicated cycle for you.  I have no idea how to manage a medicated cycle between the UK and Denmark.  After all, I can't afford clinics here, so not sure how it works.  You have to be scanned to check the follicles after taking the medication and I assume that will be around £150 at a private clinic here on top of the medication costs, donor sperm in Copenhagen and flights.  I'm still not sure how I feel about medicated IUI.  Most professionals seem to think it's a total waste of time giving IUI to a woman my age, never mind unmedicated IUI, but I keep thinking back to how I became pregnant immediately -  and I mean after just one unprotected session with my partner at the time - at 41.  I'm ovulating regularly so I suppose the only advantage to medication is to give me more eggs.  I'm beginning to think I'd rather just try IVF, perhaps even natural or 'soft' IVF.  It will mean a gap of 6 months while I scrape the finance together, so it's either 3 medicated cycles of IUI or 1 IVF cycle, both abroad.  I have had quotes from a clinic in Northern Cyprus and from a clinic called Reprofit in the Czech Republic. Lots of single women in the UK appear to have used them, with some success.  I'm not sure I'm mad about the name though; maybe it's a translation issue! To be honest, I never thought I'd consider IVF, but I'm getting very close to giving up.  Living on next to nothing trying to afford this treatment and the complete stress of doing it with nobody really to support me, or even to talk to about it, is getting too hard.  I guess what I'm saying is, it is decision time after this round.  Can I stand 6 more months of being so unbelievably skint I can't buy anything but the essentials, just for one pop at IVF?  Hmm.  The jury is most definitely out on that one. 

For now though, I'm dragging my butt to Copenhagen for Round 3 with practically no enthusiasm and absolutely no faith in the outcome.  Well, perhaps just enough to get me there. Might as well enjoy the Danish pastries while I'm at it.  I spend 6 sessions a week in the gym at seriously physical classes so I think I bloody well deserve a calorie laden, almond flavoured, sugary carb hit.