The donor egg dilemma

Many people have asked me how I really feel about using donor eggs and donor sperm together and how I think any child I create this way will feel when they find out.  The truth is you cannot know, but I think that is true of any child created in any way.  Children may have many reasons to resent you and many reasons to thank you for creating their life, probably both. There are no guarantees. 

I do know a little bit about this.  I was adopted at 3 weeks old in 1967, a time when adoption came about largely because of the shame of being pregnant out of wedlock.  It's different from today's adoptions, where children are mostly taken into care because of a variety of problems in the birth family and the children have already suffered a geat deal.  I found out I was adopted when I was around 14 years old.  Possibly a little late, but I can understand why my Mother was scared and anxious about telling me and didn't know when it was best.  In those days there was little or no advice on such things and post adoption support for the adopter was poor.  So, my take on it is this; I was so tiny that I remember only my Mother and my Father and the life I had with them.  Although curious about my birth parents later, I never felt an urge to track them down.  I suppose I wanted some details and I know my birth Mother's name, where she lived at the time, her job and my birth name.  I feel no blame or angst for this poor woman who gave me up, none at all.  What is different in using donor eggs and donor sperm is that you give the embryo life and you have the baby from birth, the bond is there straight away. I know how much my parents wanted me and it is a wonderful feeling knowing what lengths they went to to adopt me.  I suppose I feel that, given the right way of explaining it when the time comes, a child created by donor sperm and donor egg may feel the same way. Children just want to be loved, to be cared for and to be secure and safe.  That's what counts. 

I know that I thought long and hard about how I'd feel about a baby that shared none of my genes.  I wanted my own biological child precisely because I was adopted and I wanted to see what it would look like, be like and if it's mannerisms and behaviour reflected mine.  This became particularly poignant when I lost my baby, created with my then boyfriend, late in the second trimester in November 2009. However, I have come full circle.  I reflect back on how people say my sister, Mother and I are so alike and yet, I do not share their genes.  It's the old nature/nurture argument and I'm living proof that nurture is key.

I will try once more to create a baby with my own eggs, but the idea of a donor embryo is no longer something that I worry about.  I think of children I know, my little niece, my God daughter, my friend's children and if anything happened to any of the parents I would give that child a home and love it unquestionably.  I cannot imagine that a tiny little person would inspire anything other than absolute love in me, regardless of its origins. 

I know that in my forties, I may also face the prospect of twins if I'm lucky enough to be successful with donor embryos. This used to worry me, but now I would say it doesn't.  Financially it will be a nightmare and physcially you're going to need help, but think of the advantages after the baby stage.  Two children right away, a playmate and sibling for each other and a bond that will last well after you're gone.

I do know some people who think it a disgusting, selfish thing to do.  And you will face that.  However,  you have to square this with yourself.  To those 'haters' I say, does anyone ask you if your wish to have a child is disgusting or selfish, even though your relationship may be poor or your circumstances less than perfect? Does anyone question your motives for your desire to have a child?  I doubt it.  The same type of scrutiny just does not apply when a partnered man and a woman have a baby in the so called 'natural way'.  But I work in a job where I see what goes wrong in parenting and families and, so far, it has never been because a single woman created a baby with a donor egg and donor sperm.

I hope you forgive this tangent, but I know I'm not alone in wondering if donor embryos are a bridge too far.  I now know what I feel about it, but it took a while to let go of the dream of a biological child and not everyone can.